My heart is captivated

I think every time I post I mention 1) how long it has been and 2) how fast time has flown- because both are true. This has been the fastest moving summer I have ever had, and I’m just trying to keep up! I think it is because of a combination of how busy we keep ourselves, and the fact that I absolutely love what we are doing so it does not feel like work. 

This past year I struggled a lot with feeling like I was not a very passionate person. There are things that I felt strongly about, but I was not bold enough to speak out about them. Or there are things that make me excited but I wouldn’t go beyond myself to tell others about it. I guess all this came from me comparing what my passion looked like to other people I know. Let me tell you, I know some passionate people and I’m inspired by the measures they take, and how effortlessly it pours from them. My friend told me that I was passionate in my own way but I lacked the eyes to see it in myself. 

But Kenya. Kenya has made me passionate. I have struck upon something that makes me want to move beyond myself. A place where I come alive. I want to fight for these people and stand for them when the world stands against them. I search for words, because I do want to speak up. After meeting these people, I cannot NOT have passion, because it would simply be a disgrace to them, and a waste of a summer.

With passion comes the earning to come back. I do not know what the Lord has in store for me, but I know that this summer has confirmed the call on my life to do long term missions in Africa. I have started to wrestle with different ideas of what the Lord could be calling me to. I struggle with knowing whether after seeing the needs and burdens of the Kenyan people and knowing their hearts I have a responsibility to them and I need to return here OR if this is just a stepping stone to another place in Africa…but I guess the Lord will reveal that in time.

But I am simply captivated.

I do not really know if there are words for the moment when you realize that you have found the thing the Lord has designed you to do. Yes, there are still so many unknowns and questions and directions that are to be sorted out, but being here gives me this peace, joy and fulfillment that no other place has.

And this does not mean that every step has been easy. With the joy and excitement, comes an equal dose of hard fights and daily heartbreak. I can do without fast food, American convince and luxuries, but I do have many days when I miss friends, family and close knit communities I’ve woven together over the years. And as much as I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be, my heart and mind wanders elsewhere as weddings, reunions and parties that I am absent from pass by. And I am aware that if this is the life I’m called to long term, there are going to be countless more days where I long to be elsewhere as I cannot be everywhere at once. There is sacrifice that comes with following the Lord to the ends of the earth (or anywhere really). But how much greater to be inside the will of God than anywhere else. God never said following Him would be easy. In fact, He told us that in this world you will face trials- but that cannot keep us back from the call.